Charlie Freer
On March 22nd, 1998, Tuyetlan Nguyen walked into the water of San Francisco Bay and chose to end her life. We were together for seven and a half years. The grief and guilt of her passing were incredibly overwhelming. Soon after the pain and guilt began rampaging through my body and soul, fear emerged. She was raised in the Buddhist faith. Suicide is unacceptable in her faith. There are terrible consequences for taking your own life.
Tuyetlan was the most gentle, loving, compassionate human being I have ever known. I couldn’t believe that God would hurt her wonderful spirit because she chose to end her own life. I began reaching out for anything to help me understand how to deal with this fear of her spirit being destroyed.
The first web site I opened shouted in large print, “The End Result of Untreated Depression is Suicide!” As I read the article and recognized the symptoms of depression, I realized that Tuyetlan had been battling this brain disease for most of her life. Depression is a disease that stops or slows the neurotransmitters that make us all feel good. It is not a mental state. It is a disease of the body, as are cancer and diabetes. We don’t believe that God punishes people with cancer or diabetes, but why do we believe that God punishes suicide victims?
My life became consumed with figuring out what kind of God I truly believed in — a God of Love or a God of Fear. I was raised as a Methodist and had heard all the stories of how God loved us with one hand and penalized us with the other. Hell is the supreme punishment and if you take any life, another’s or your own, that is where you spend eternity — with all the criminals of the past. Fear of Hell kept us on the straight and narrow. I couldn’t believe that God would commit Tuyetlan to eternity with these people.
But what if God is a God of Love? A God of Love cannot also be a God of Fear. If God loves us unconditionally, then all discretions are understood and forgiven. all discretions! If my mind can understand that depression is a physical disease and caused Tuyetlan’s passing, then the Creator with all the wisdom and compassion of the universe knows this also. Tuyetlan is not paying for her “sins.” She is healing in universal love.
Now I believe God does not punish. God heals. God does not need a “Hell” to threaten us. God has a “Heaven” to accept us. God does not need a “Devil” to rule the underworld. Religions and society need him for threats and control. If we give in to our fears and believe that God has abandoned or forsaken us, we can remember the joys in life. Watch a child smile. Play with a squirming puppy. Hold a hug a little longer. Feel the wonder of your heart. Loudly sing your favorite song. Dance your favorite dance. Let a sunset touch your soul. Believe that God is Love.
Charlie Freer, BSW, is a life skills trainer, speaker, facilitator, tennis instructor and avid reader and experiencer on a continuous path of learning, growing and loving. He facilitates an anger management group at a half way house and works at a local community college.
email: booder99@earthlink.net
"Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...
Imagine there's no
countries,
It isn’t hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace..."
- John Lennon
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